By Miriam from Nigeria
I had a breakdown a few days ago, and I didn’t even realize what it was. I found myself suddenly overwhelmed and I couldn’t think or do anything. I became upset and needed something to lean onto or someone to unburden what was inside of me, but there was no one. People were busy with their lives.
I found myself walking in circles within my apartment until I found myself leaning tightly to a corner and saying, “I can’t do this—I can’t do this!” Then I started crying silently. I didn’t want to cry. I felt that it would be weakness, and it would break me. Well, cry I did, but not for long.
I tried to regain my balance because I thought to myself that I have to think clearly, no matter what. But, a short while later, I felt overwhelmed again. With everything happening to me internally and externally, I jumped on my bed and dove under the blanket. I just wanted to hide, to disappear.
I JUST MISSED HOME.
Home that is familiar, my go-to place and people. Where I can just whine and still be understood and supported, where I am downright free to just be myself and share, where I am unashamed to let my guard down without fear of being judged. But I can’t go home now. The details of my reality now must stay hidden from the place that is the only home I knew. My heart is longing to reach out to my home and everyone that I love there. But I have to always think of safety and that means I can’t let them know how I really feel. THIS IS SO HARD.
In the midst of my despair I kept asking God to help me. I can’t do this on my own, Lord. My reality is too much for me to handle right now. I need you, Lord.
Later On…
After writing this, I fell asleep, exhausted from all the emotions going through me.
I am here now. Nothing has changed, but I am at least better now than I was. I can only say that God is with me in spite of how I feel or what I am going through. I hold on to the faith that tells me that God’s word is true. He is with me always and never will He forsake me. But my still heart longs for home.
As you are reading this, if you remember, please pray for me during your daily prayers!
