I lost it today. I got tired, upset, frustrated, and I had a meltdown.
These are some of the thoughts that were going through my mind:
I felt that I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt so stuck and redundant in this place. I asked myself—how could I keep doing this? Where would I go from here?
I thought leaving home was the toughest test of my faith that I would go through, and I assumed once I got here, everything would just fall into place and go smoothly.
I thought wrong.
It has been a tough time here—up and down days of toughness, acceptance, denial. It feels like a merry-go-round. Last night, I saw two crawling things in my room and I was able to get rid of them because they didn’t freak me out that much. Today, I saw a different one crawling on the stand and not on the floor this time. This one freaked me out, and I just flipped. How much worse can it get?! My feelings were all over the place. I rushed out of the room.
I called out to the person who had availed herself to help me, and I am grateful for that. I tried to tell her with my little knowledge of sign language that there was something in my room. At the same time, I was asking God in my mind why it had to come to this. I don’t know if you freak out about crawling things like I do. If you do, you will understand why I had a meltdown.
I sat outside, almost crying—wondering, thinking, processing. Then I pushed myself to open the Bible and just do my devotion, and the verse of the day got me:
“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”
Philippians 1:6 NKJV.
In my mind, I started talking to God about how I was feeling and the struggles I was having. And then, I started to feel calm. I began to realize that the devil is trying to get a hold of my mind. He was doing this by getting me to feel despair about the things that matter to me the most, and through things that freak me out. I remembered that God knows about my situation and what I am going through. He has a plan for me. I paused to ponder and carefully processed this verse. Hope and confidence started rising inside of me again.
It will be alright. I won’t be afraid of the crawling “things” anymore, and even if fear raises its ugly head again, I now know what to do. And I don’t have to do it alone. The Holy Spirit is right here with me to help me and guide me.
So I will continue to push myself again to just trust God. He knows what He is doing and His plans for me are good and He is leading me. After all, He knew about how this place is and He still guided me here—so it was for a reason I may not understand. God has kept me this far and He is taking care of me and I know He will continue to do so.
One day at a time—actually, one moment at a time. I will trust Him because I am realizing that trust is a journey, not a onetime thing.
I choose joy again, for that will give me His strength. I am not tired.
